Below I will detail the following red flags:
Insecure thoughts,
Desire to take over a situation,
Preparing a defense for myself
Controlling other family members actions
Insecure thoughts
Description: When my insecurity is triggered my heart will race, my eyes will turn towards the ground and a distant smile and nod will cover my face. All outside noise becomes fuzzy while my mind swirls with negative self talk as I list the ways I do not measure up. It makes me want to leave where I am and curl up in bed. The fear of those thoughts coming back drive me to take control of where I go and who I see. It takes control of my mood and reactions.
Relationship status: These insecurities pull me away from God’s truth. God loves me, I am his child, and I am exactly where he wants me to be.
Giving it to God: With open handed prayer to God I list every single thought that has come to mind. I ask for his strength and courage so I can trust that he is enough for me and I am enough because I am his. I can not do any of this on my own, I need the Holy Spirit to restore God’s deep peace within me again.
Desire to take over a situation
Description: When I feel like I have lost control of a situation my first instinct is to take over. My old hurts and resentments can put me in self preservation mode. If this happens I can not trust any of my instincts. I feel backed into a corner which causes me to analyze and obsess over every possibility. I try to plan the perfect outcome, and also take time to imagine the worst case scenarios A, B, C, and D. This can consume me.
Relationship status: I am splitting my focus between God and my own comfort. I lose my peace and eventually realize I have wasted time trying to plan something that has already been determined by God.
Giving it to God: When I let go of my control God restores my peace. I tell God “I give up control to you, you are in control and I trust in you”. I ask the Holy Spirit to guide my thoughts, actions, and words. I ask for his strength to give him control of my present and future circumstances.
Preparing a defense for myself
Description: My heart races and I have rage about whatever injustice just occurred. My first instinct is to defend. I spend hours journaling and monologuing what I will say, this causes me to lose hours of my life. I have lost my peace and replaced it with righteous anger. I can not let it go, honestly I try and pray, but something in me holds on tight to this anger. It runs through my head during every waking hour, wakes me up in the middle of the night and drains my energy.
I can not let go of the outcome to God, and worse (in one recent instance) I chose to think God wanted me to prepare this defense.
Luke 12:11 When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at the time what you should say.
Relationship status: The verse in Luke 12:11 was brought to me after I had spent weeks preparing. I had used many biblical references in my defense, but I was seeking my own wisdom and self righteousness. This pulled my focus so far away from God. I had lost my peace during these weeks because I was fueled by anger and clouded by past emotions.
Giving it to God: My prayer was of remorse to God. I asked him for forgiveness for all the ways I had strayed in the weeks leading up to my ‘defense’. I thanked him for working for my good even when I had strayed and prayed for God to change my heart. The following days I let the Holy Spirit work within me to pull out the hurts and fears that led to defend myself. It was hard work and I can not promise that I won’t fall back into old patterns again. But now I know the next time I start my own defense without God, I will immediately stop and pray.
Controlling other family members actions
Description: When it feels like you are planning every worst case scenario in your head in case it happens to your loved one. My mind is in constant overdrive, and I run on adrenaline surges that will kick in when I think of another way things could go wrong. On the outside I keep it all together. I take on extra projects at church to prove I am doing okay. I did everything I could to control those I loved to ensure their safety. It was all on me. I was trying to be super woman.
No one asked me to do this, but I convinced myself it was up to me to keep things together or it would all fall apart.
Relationship status: This type of behavior shows a complete lack of trust in God. I am always far away from him when I fall into this pattern. I can be so consumed in my own agenda that I don’t realize I have lost God’s peace within me.
Giving it to God: My prayer consists of letting go of everything I am holding onto. I give up in open handed prayer to God my expectations and fears for the people I love. I ask for God’s strength and courage to fully trust in him alone. I also ask for God to give me all my thoughts, words and actions for the rest of the hour/day/week.
I hope these four red flags allowed you to think about your own thought patterns and behaviors that pull you away from God.
The last Red Flags post will detail
Isolating my problems
Distracting myself, not being able to sit in quiet
Avoiding reading my bible
Stay well friends! -JJ